NovelPolitics stopped by the State Department a few days ago and found some highly classified information left in the cafeteria. This document had hummus and also some grains of rice stuck to the edges. Yes. It was in the trash. But it was on top. Just so you know, we take state secrets very seriously.
At first, I thought it must have been misrouted from the State Department Montessori Child Development Center. If you have ever been to a restaurant with annoying children at the next table and ineffectual parents. . . Surely this could not be the basis for our foreign policy?
Did it come from the State Department or the White House? Should I shred it? Let me know what you think.
Talking Points for Phone Calls
with certain problem leaders:
- Stop it.
- Stop it right now.
- I mean it.
- If you don’t stop it, (angry face. It doesn’t matter that it is a phone call- Consider calling in press for a photo op).
- Seriously, I’m getting mad. You need to stop it.
- What would your Aunt Angela and Uncle David say?
- Oh. They don’t care? Really.
- Yes. I know Uncle François loves you no matter what.
- Well, it doesn’t matter. I’m just going to tell you, and this is the last time, to stop it.
- Okay, I’m trying to understand why you are doing this. Are you angry about something?
- What? You didn’t start it?
- Is that true?
- Well, you still need to stop it.
- STOP IT.
- You see this red line across(fill in blank)? If you don’t stay on your side, well, let’s just say, there will be consequences.
- No, of course I won’t touch you. That would be wrong.
- But you do need HEY, STOP THAT!
- Okay, I am going to go play a round of golf, because, frankly, you have stressed me out.
- When I get back if you haven’t stopped it, I’m going to be mad. (Pause)Really, really mad.
- Really, really mad.
- I’m not kidding.
- I mean it.
If matters escalate, as G7 approaches, go to the following:
- You need to leave circle right now and think about what you have done.
Please see tab B for assurances to allies that you will stand with them no matter what*.
*Unless there are problems.